Holidays are coming (closer than ever)

Just an advanced warning...tomorrow marks the first of December.


At that point I will become an insufferable, festive, Christmasphile.


It really is the most wonderful time of the year.


You have been warned.

Breaking Dawn

Yesterday I mentioned "Breaking Dawn".

Alternative movie pitch based on that title:

"Dawn is a militant terrorist who has planted a dirty bomb carrying weaponised smallpox in a school somewhere in the US. Detectives Jack Baines and Frank Colt have just six hours to interegate her and "break" her, so they can find out the bomb's location and defuse it, before all hell breaks loose."

I just think that sounds a lot more interesting than glittery vampires.

Twi As I Might

So, Twilight 4A has hit cinemas and now my Twitter feed and Facebook page are full of comments about it.

As you may know from previous rants, I'm not a fan of Twilight, nor of the Twilightification of EVERYTHING else that it has affected.

So I have a message for any woman (or man) over the age of 17, who is going to watch or has already been to see "Breaking Dawn":

I hope that you enjoy it and that it lives up to your expectations. This isn't a joke or the start of a rant; if you genuinely find Twilight entertaining then I hope this new film is enjoyable for you. However, as you're watching a film based on a series of books primarily aimed at eleven-year-old girls, you automatically forfeit any right to EVER judge me for reading comic books and watching cartoons. And I will throw it back in your face if you ever try to.

Just saying.

If you smell...

I'm a lapsed wrestling fan.

It's a bit like being a lapsed Catholic, in that you still believe in the underlying principles of it all, but you just don't go to church every week. You just make time for the major celebrations.

I still enjoy wrestling, but I don't have the time, or frankly the inclination, to watch Raw and Smackdown every week. I have friends that do, who fill me in on what's going on every so often, and as the plots are less complicated than the average Point Horror novel (nineties reference), I'm always more than comfortable that I can get up to speed before a PPV.

And I do enjoy the PPVs. I'd never watch them alone, but as a social activity with friends (who are all equally geeky and are big enough fans to be able to be critical) it's a fun way to spend a Monday night. Plus we tend to get pizza.

So on Monday night I found myself watching Survivor Series, in no small part because The Rock was going to be wrestling again for the first time since he went "Hollywood" five years ago. Now, when I was REALLY into wrestling, The Rock was hands down one of my favourites. It wasn't his wrestling, it was that he was funny and his promos were always incredibly entertaining. And now he's back, I'm guessing because Vince McMahon threw an obscene amount of money his way.

And he didn't disappoint. His promo was great and he could still keep up with the younger guys in the ring (he's only in his late thirties after all). His next scheduled match is at Wrestlemania, and based on this performance, I'll be setting that Monday night aside.

Pizzas at the ready.

Stoppable

"Unstoppable" is a complete misnomer. It's about a speeding runaway train that's heading towards a populated city centre, and only Denzel Washington and Captain Kirk (Chris Pine) can stop it.

But without spoiling the end, you know that one way or another it has to stop. Ergo, it isn't "Unstoppable".

Grammatical pedantry aside, I enjoyed it more than I expected to. I think Tony Scott is an extremely competent action director and the plot gripped me more than a story where the bad guy is a train should have. Both leads are likeable in their own way, and as the film is on about 90 mins it feels a bit like a 90's throwback, which of course I liked.

Worth a watch if you're bored one evening, but don't go out of your way.

Roomies

Now I've mentioned The Room before.

I won't go into it in great detail again, as you can find the full dissection here. However, after watching it a second time on Sunday whilst slightly hungover (it loses nothing on second viewing), it was pointed out to me by a friend what's wrong with it. Apart from the fact that Tommy Wiseau padded out 60 minutes of film with 30 minutes of establishing shots, the whole film is like it's been created by someone who has never watched a film before. Sure, he's away of the abstract concept of what a movie should be, he just has no practical knowledge.

It's still awesome though. If you don't like it, then as far as I'm concerned, you can drop off the Earth. That's a promise.

Whodunnit

I spent Saturday night getting drunk a taking part in a murder mystery game. It was great fun, party because 7/8ths of us were drunk and partly because everyone got into the spirit of the game.

My character was a suave, debonair businessman, but as it was set in the 1900s I shaved my beard off and gave myself a tiny pencil moustache.

I also used enough hair gel that the next morning it was still in place. It was like a motorcycle helmet.

I also learnt that a French accent and a Belgian accent aren't the same thing. And regardless, I can't do either anyway.

Photo below of me looking suave (or at least, that's what I kept telling myself).

It's like James Bond.........'s overweight, less attractive waiter.

Quote of the Week VI: Return of the Mc

This week's "quote of the week" once again is from my good friend Al McKenzie, who was commenting on some homophobic "youths" he heard on a walk through London:


"Look mate, it's all very well loudly moaning about "batty boys" hanging about, but you are just off Old Compton street. Next week, moaning about "Jerry" clogging up the centre of Frankfurt."


Ah, the youth of today. I guess they don't know what homophobia really says about you.

Oh how they've fallen

"The Experiment" isn't a bad film. It's interesting and anyone with even a passing knowledge of psychology will know the Prisoners and Guards experiment. It's only about an hour and a half and if you can handle some psychological violence it's worth a go.


What's weird is that it stars Forest Whitaker and Adrian Brody. Both these men have won Best Actor Oscars but now they're doing films of this sort of budget. It's weird, maybe they have the same (not especially good) agent. 

Holidays are coming

Christmas is a little over a month away. If you're looking for the perfect give for someone special this year, why not get them a thoroughly entertaining e-book...?

You can find an incredible gift idea here.

Just saying.

Twitter Troll

After yesterday's tirade against Tin Tin, I was bemused to see that someone called "Tin Tin Podcast"has started following me on Twitter.


Now I'm not hugely into marketing myself on Twitter. I'm not on "Team Follow Back" and don't really get onboard with "Follow Fridays". My Twitter feed is primarily just a random collection of my thoughts and 140 character reviews of TV and film.


I get that Tin Tin Podcast probably automatically follow anyone who mentions their ginger haired hero, but it just seems odd that they'd follow someone who only mentioned Tin Tin in the following Tweet: "My three word review of Tin Tin = really, really boring".


Oh well. A follower is a follower I guess.

Tin Tin and the Case of the Crushing Disappointment

I had really expected to like Tin Tin, despite the fact I was never really into the comics as a kid. My friends all gave it glowing reviews. I love Spielberg, a by-product of growing up in the eighties. I like most of Peter Jackson's stuff. I think Edgar Wright is a genius and Joe Cornish is hilarious.


Which is why it's such a shame that Tin Tin is thoroughly boring.


And that's the word for it. It's not awful, it's not offensive, it's just boring. At no point was I engaged with the characters or the plot (which was all over the place). Tin Tin himself was incredibly unrelatable. I found the Thompson twins annoying (despite the fact I really like Frost and Pegg). Daniel Craig and Andy Serkis worked, but not enough to save the film.


At one point there's a chase scene through Morocco which is all one intricate and incredibly long shot. I remember thinking "Wow. This is all one shot. Impressive" and then focusing on the camera work rather than the scene unfolding. When you're following the technical side of the film, there's something very wrong with the plot.


I seem to be in the minority with this one, but it just didn't engage me. I'm hoping that Tin Tin's next adventure isn't the Case of the Unnecessary Sequel.

A Dog and a Bell

Yesterday I mentioned Ricky Gervais, but somehow omitted the massive news that he's hosting the Golden Globes again.

I love how the organisers have forgotten their indignation from last year as they desperately try to boost viewing figures. Here's hoping Gervais' tongue is even sharper this year.

It seems that Pavlov's Dogs learn faster than the Hollywood Foreign Press.

Praise is too short

It's really easy for everyone to jump on the "I hate Ricky Gervais" bandwagon that critics roll out whenever he comes up with a new show. How quickly they forget how funny Extras was, or how The Office genuinely changed global comedy.

Was Life's Too Short as memorable as it's predecessors? Who can tell, yet? We've only seen the first episode. Let the characters establish themselves before you jump to negative conclusions.

Personally, I thought the whole thing was fairly funny until Liam Neeson turned up, at which point I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe. I'm looking forward to the rest of the series.

Three Beats Two

The best thing I can say about Paranormal Activity 3, is that it's better than Paranormal Activity 2. Although, let's be honest the bar was really low.


As a stand alone film, I really enjoyed the first Paranormal Activity. It reminded me a lot of The Blair Witch Project, it was low budget, and anyone who shares a bed with someone will get just how creepy the idea of someone standing over you for four hours while you sleep really is.


Much like Saw however (again, a film I really liked), the sequels really detract from the original. In PA3, the younger versions of the female protagonists from PA1 and PA2 are experiencing more supernatural occurrences. Why they don't remember this or reference it in the first two films however is anyone's guess.


Apparently, PA3 did huge business in the States, so expect a PA4 next Halloween. 

Quote of the Week V: The Empire Strike Front

Celebrating a friend's 30th birthday, we ended up having a games night, because that's the kind of crazy, mad-cap lifestyle that I lead.

Anway, one of the rounds was a pub quiz, which contained the question: "Which animal gives birth to the largest baby?" The correct answer was obviously "Blue Whale", but for some reason my friend Kelly's team decided to go with "Giraffe".

Me: Oh Kel, did you confuse biggest baby with biggest neck?
Kelly: I thought it was Blue Whale, but then I thought the question probably meant "which mammal".
Me: (pause) Erm, pretty sure the Blue Whale is a mammal Kel.

And in the end Kelly's team won. Which shows just how bad I am a competitive games.

I did find out that I'm oddly skilled at blowing a ping-pong ball across a line of upturned bottles and into a shot glass though. Don't ask.

The Lynx Effect

I work in Marketing. I get that male orientated health and beauty products need to be aspirational. Hence Gillette have the Mach3 and the Stealth and the Turbo.

Lynx are normally good at coming up with these names. Phoenix. Dark Temptation. Impulse. They're names with numerous connotations.

And then there's "Music Star".

I get that being a famous musician is aspirational to a lot of young men, in the same way that being a film star or a footballer might be. But is that the something you want to associate with a body spray?

I know musicians. When they've been on stage performing, they're hot, sweaty and sticky. There's nothing wrong with this, and God knows I'd be drenched in sweat if I'd've been performing on a hot stage for an hour. But does that have the right implications for a deoderant?

Maybe it's just me, but when I put on deoderant after I shower I want to associate it with:
- Not sweating
- Smelling nice

Maybe I'm wrong, but "Music Star" just sounds like the byproduct of a lazy marketing meeting.

"OK, guys, we need a new name. Something like Spartan or Warrior but not as obvious. What do kids want to be these days?"
"Err...music stars?"
"Screw it, that'll do."

Seriously, bad, bad name.

Just saying.

There's no place like home

I'm ambivalent about "Misfits".


I want to like it a bit more than I do. Partly because I know it's target audience is significantly younger than me (the early twenties market I wish I was still in), and partly because it's filmed in Thamesmead where I grew up.


Now, when I grew up there, there were always parts of town that were rough. And I know that since I moved away parts have got even rougher (I believe it was recently named the fraud capital of Europe).  However, it's both sad and entertaining to see the way it's portrayed as a dystopian-ghetto in Misfits.


But hey, that's not a new thing, as anyone who's seen "A Clockwork Orange" knows.


Still, there's no place like home, is there?

Suddenly I See

So this week I was treated to an incredible music experience - seeing KT Tunstall live in The Union chapel in Islington. 


It was incredible for two reasons: 1) She was absolutely amazing, and 2) the venue was gorgeous. If you've never heard of it (and let's face it, if you live outside of The big smoke, why would you have?) it a converted church, where the altar has become the stage and the pews are the audience. The acoustics are outstanding and the atmosphere is almost indescribable. If you ever get the chance, definitely go and see something there.


The first of the support acts was Rozi Plain, whose folk music wasn't entirely to my personal taste. She won me over however with her borderline-aspergers asides between songs. I saw her afterwards being completely normal, so I can only assume her whole stage personality is an act. If so, hilarious. She was followed by a guy called Sam Lewis who was a bit more my speed. Some nice chilled accoustic stuff.


Then KT Tunstall came on. Her set was brilliant and she's clearly one of the most talented musicians in the industry. Switching between the guitar and (occasionally the piano), she made incredible sounds with her loop-peddle, which she overlaid on top of each other to form a cacophony of awesome. She even did a song acapella with no microphone and we could still hear her at the back. Brilliant.


Oh, and she did a version of "The Black Horse and The Cherry Tree" which mixed with The White Stripe's "Seven Nation Army". If you can find that on YouTube, check it out.   

Jumping the dinosaur

Oh "Terra Nova", you were doing so well. Whilst somewhat lighter (and more family orientated) than "LOST", you had enough mystery to keep me going. As well as Papa Dragon...the only good thing from "Avatar". I was hoping that you had the potential to get darker as the season went on. 


But then you've gone and given the annoying little girl a pet dinosaur. What is this, an eighties cartoon? No-one wants to see Godzuki on this show!


Fingers crossed the dinosaur gets killed in the next episode. But not before mauling to death the youngest daughter.


Now THAT would be dark. 

Quote of the Week IV: A New(ish) Hope

This weeks "Quote of the Week" came from my friend Al's take on the absolute awfulness of The Only Way is Essex.


"I just don't see what's interesting about that show. There's nothing there. In fact, I'd be more interested in watching a show called 'The Only Way TO Essex' about the lives of the people who work at Liverpool Street station.'


It was very reem.

Travolta Fail

So after years and years of hearing it was the worst film ever, I finally saw "Battlefield Earth".


I'm not even going to joke about it too much, as it just made me feel dirty. My friend assures me the book is better, but I'll be damned if I'm going to read it now. 


As bad films go, it's nowhere near as brilliant as "The Room". Frankly, I was bored.


Although perhaps the reason the aliens aren't intimidating is because they're supposed to be giants but just end up looking like really tall drag-queens. Not that drag queens can't be intimidating, but John Travolta as a drag queen can't be intimidating.


Just saying.

Surprised!

This weekend mostly revolved around my friend Laura's surprise 30th Birthday party. After making my house the staging area for visitors on Friday night - we had a house full of secret guests she didn't know were coming down - it was also one of the main storage facilities for the veritable plethora of food that Laura's husband had bought for the evening.


So on Saturday the big night came and went off without a hitch. Despite a bit of a desperate panic that Laura was going to arrive before her parents and daughter, everything went smoothly, and I even got to practice my acting skills by having a fake phone call ("oh hi no-one") as a reason to let the people upstairs know that Laura had arrived - A Level Drama represent-yo.


So, all-in-all, a great evening. 


On an unrelated note, I found out that whilst drunk I know all the words to House of Pain's "Jump Around". Not embarrassing at all then. 

The Killing Fields

I mentioned about a month ago that I had been watching "The Killing". Due to Sky Plus box malfunctions I've only just got around to finishing the first Season.

And what a season it was. Gripping, tense, intriguing, well-plotted and brilliantly acted. Michelle Forbes gave the stand out performance, but the whole cast was amazing.

I'll do my best to remain spoiler free as I know a lot of people missed it first time around but what an epic cliffhanger. If you've seen it, you know what I mean.

I'm chomping at the bit now for season two.

If you did miss this first time around I thoroughly recommend checking it out.

The Future's Dark

So am I the only one vaguely disturbed by the adverts for Siri, Apple's new artificial intelligence (because let's face it, that's what it is).

Coming off as Skynet's Grandfather whilst still in the prime of his youth, Siri will answer your questions and perform your commands. It's a brilliant idea, which in no way will end badly, because apparently the people at Apple have never seen a science fiction movie.

"Siri, open the pod bay doors"
"I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that"

Just Saying.

Quote of the Week III: Electric Boogaloo

After "Quote of the Week" and "Quote of the Week: Redux", I would be somewhat remiss if I didn't throw down a quote for this week. So here goes.

Props for this one go to my buddy Steve for a conversation he had with his younger sister Stephanie. (Yes, Steve and Stephanie, that actually happened):

Steph: Where was the Berlin Wall?
Steve: Berlin.
Steph: I know, but where's Berlin? Is it in China?
Steve: (sighing) You've been to Berlin.

And who says our education system is failing?

Mind Enema

Sigh.

I finished "A Feast for Crows" (to give it it's flawed yet correct title) a few days ago. I'm now waiting for the next time I see one of my two friends who've already read "A Dance With Dragons" so that they can lend it to me. It's agonising.

More agonising than trudging through "Feast" (which in my opinion was way weaker than "A Storm of Swords") only to find out that I have to wait for the next book to catch up on Tyrion's escapades.

In the meantime, I'm settling into some of the True Blood books, as I really enjoy the series. So far they are MUCH lighter (and crapper) than the TV show. But after being immersed in the "Song of Ice and Fire" series for so long, it's actually quite pleasant to read something that requires no brain power to process.

It's like an enema for my mind.

It pays to be original

"Tucker and Dale vs Evil" is one of the most original films in a long time, and awesome for it. In the same way that "Shaun of the Dead" posed the question: What would normal London layabouts do in the face of a zombie outbreak? Tucker and Dale asks: What if the villainous hillbillies from slasher movies weren't villainous at all.

And so you have the eponymous Tucker and Dale, two likable red necks who have invested in a dilapidated holiday home, which to them looks like a fixer upper but to the "normal" college students who they run into, looks like Satan's playground.

The mistaken identity continues when the skinny chick from 30 Rock (Katrina Bowden) nearly drowns and Dale (Tyler Labine - the chubby one from Reaper) and Tucker (Alan Tudyk - Wash from Firefly and Pirate Steve from Dodgeball) rescue her. Her idiot friends think that the hillbillies have kidnapped her, and try to stage a rescue, but due to a series of accidents all end up deader than Mel Gibson's career. And this, of course, only makes Tucker and Dale look more evil...

It's a lot of fun, and the escalating death scenes of the college kids pan out like a Final Destination that's played for laughs. The cast are great, and it's nice that although the stars are all recognisable, they're all C-List giving the whole thing more credibility. The film works by inverting the traditional horror conventions, whilst keeping some entertaining scares, some over-the-top gore and lots of laughs.

The perfect example that with a strong central conceit and a good cast you can make a decent movie on a low budget.

Zombie Cardio

So I'm caught up with Season Two of The Walking Dead (by UK standards anyway), which for the uninitiated amongst you means I'm up to Episode Two.

So far it's been a good start, although Episode Two was much weaker than Episode One. Maybe that's just because Episode One got off to such a kick arse start with the herd of walkers (spoiler alert, sorry), all the way through to the EPIC cliffhanger ending (which I'll purposely not spoil).

The only thing that jarred slightly is the fact that in this season the zombies seem to be a lot faster than last time. Not sure if they've been hitting the cross-trainer or have been warming up on the running machine, but their cardio has improved greatly. Which is a real shame, because one of the things I liked most about the first season was the fact that they had Romero zombies rather than Snyder zombies. Yeah, fast zombies provide a more immediate threat, but I like the idea that zombies are slow, silent and surround you. The terror shouldn't be that you can't outrun them, the terror should come from the fact that they corner you, and then lumber slowly towards you like something out of your nightmare. Either way, the annoyance comes from the fact that the producers have seemingly changed the rules of their universe between seasons. Somewhat inconsistent.

That aside, it's still a wonderfully slow (the pacing not the zombie) and it's great to see a show that takes its time. All in all an incredibly tense spectacle. The character interactions are believable and the scenes where the zombies are attacking have me on the edge of my seat.

In my humble opinion, it's been the second best show on television this year. Because let's face it, nothing will be better than Game of Thrones.

Benefits with Friends

I really didn't expect to like "Friends with Benefits", primarily because going into it I feared it would follow all the cinematic cliches in the book for Rom-Coms. Then, once it started, I thought that there might be some hope yet...

Justin Timblerlake and Mila Kunis are friends who decide to see if they can have a sexual relationship without it getting in the way of their friendship. Things get complicated, feelings get involved, blah, blah, blah.

The film starts strongly (with Andy Samberg and Emma Stone making neat little cameos dumping Kunis and Timberlake) and for perhaps the first hour, there was lots of laughs and I thought that the film might do something original and defy convention. At one point Kunis is screaming at a Katherine Hiegl poster, berating it for lying to her about true love. And if the whole film had kept that tone, it would definitely have been edgier and may even have been exceptional.

But this is Hollywood, so of course it then needed to fall in line with rom-com conventions. And once that started happening the film got boring, the laughter stopped and I got sorely disappointed.

Good start, poor end.