Sherlocked

Nobody in my office watches Sherlock.


This means i can't talk to anyone about yesterday's epic (and thoroughly awesome) season finale.


Now I know how football fans must feel when they share an office with me.


The difference being that Sherlock isn't boring like football.


Just saying.

Still stuck for Christmas?

If you haven't finished your Christmas shopping you've only got a week left.


If you're stuck for ideas and know a loved one with a Kindle, PC, Mac, iPhone, iPod Touch, iPad or Smart Phone, then why not get them a delightful horror-adventure story for the festive season.


I know one from an up-and-coming author that can be downloaded here:


http://www.amazon.co.uk/Nightmare-at-Movies-ebook/dp/B005R41I7S/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1323953428&sr=8-1&fb_source=message


Just saying.

Twi As I Might

So, Twilight 4A has hit cinemas and now my Twitter feed and Facebook page are full of comments about it.

As you may know from previous rants, I'm not a fan of Twilight, nor of the Twilightification of EVERYTHING else that it has affected.

So I have a message for any woman (or man) over the age of 17, who is going to watch or has already been to see "Breaking Dawn":

I hope that you enjoy it and that it lives up to your expectations. This isn't a joke or the start of a rant; if you genuinely find Twilight entertaining then I hope this new film is enjoyable for you. However, as you're watching a film based on a series of books primarily aimed at eleven-year-old girls, you automatically forfeit any right to EVER judge me for reading comic books and watching cartoons. And I will throw it back in your face if you ever try to.

Just saying.

Holidays are coming

Christmas is a little over a month away. If you're looking for the perfect give for someone special this year, why not get them a thoroughly entertaining e-book...?

You can find an incredible gift idea here.

Just saying.

The Lynx Effect

I work in Marketing. I get that male orientated health and beauty products need to be aspirational. Hence Gillette have the Mach3 and the Stealth and the Turbo.

Lynx are normally good at coming up with these names. Phoenix. Dark Temptation. Impulse. They're names with numerous connotations.

And then there's "Music Star".

I get that being a famous musician is aspirational to a lot of young men, in the same way that being a film star or a footballer might be. But is that the something you want to associate with a body spray?

I know musicians. When they've been on stage performing, they're hot, sweaty and sticky. There's nothing wrong with this, and God knows I'd be drenched in sweat if I'd've been performing on a hot stage for an hour. But does that have the right implications for a deoderant?

Maybe it's just me, but when I put on deoderant after I shower I want to associate it with:
- Not sweating
- Smelling nice

Maybe I'm wrong, but "Music Star" just sounds like the byproduct of a lazy marketing meeting.

"OK, guys, we need a new name. Something like Spartan or Warrior but not as obvious. What do kids want to be these days?"
"Err...music stars?"
"Screw it, that'll do."

Seriously, bad, bad name.

Just saying.

Travolta Fail

So after years and years of hearing it was the worst film ever, I finally saw "Battlefield Earth".


I'm not even going to joke about it too much, as it just made me feel dirty. My friend assures me the book is better, but I'll be damned if I'm going to read it now. 


As bad films go, it's nowhere near as brilliant as "The Room". Frankly, I was bored.


Although perhaps the reason the aliens aren't intimidating is because they're supposed to be giants but just end up looking like really tall drag-queens. Not that drag queens can't be intimidating, but John Travolta as a drag queen can't be intimidating.


Just saying.

The Future's Dark

So am I the only one vaguely disturbed by the adverts for Siri, Apple's new artificial intelligence (because let's face it, that's what it is).

Coming off as Skynet's Grandfather whilst still in the prime of his youth, Siri will answer your questions and perform your commands. It's a brilliant idea, which in no way will end badly, because apparently the people at Apple have never seen a science fiction movie.

"Siri, open the pod bay doors"
"I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that"

Just Saying.

MI4 Rises...

...in my estimation at least.

Not because it has The Cruiser in it. Not because it features Simon Pegg. Not because they’ve roped in Jeremy “Hawkeye” Renner. But because they’ve announced that they’re going to be showing a prologue for “The Dark Knight Rises” before “MI4”.
Now I’m sure I could watch it online within days of its release without having to fork out for a film that I had only a passing interest in, but that’s not the point. It’s fraking Batman. It needs to be seen on the big screen. Seeing Thor’s hammer at the end of Iron Man 2 wouldn’t have had the same impact if I saw it for the first time on my laptop.
Either way, it’s a good move by the studio to get bums on seats for a film whose success would’ve been questionable. It’s just a shame that I’m more interested in the “extra feature” at the beginning than the film itself. And let’s face it, even if MI4 is amazing, after a scene-setter for the final Nolan Bat-feature, it’s going to look pretty shoddy.
Just saying.

Step into the groove

I’m somewhat worried by the way that the “Step Reunion” documentary has completely sucked me in.

I was too old to be a fan when they first came out (and let’s face it, their music was pretty crap), but it’s impossible to have been alive in the late nineties and early noughties without being aware of just how massive a cultural phenomenon they were.

Well it seems that they’re still going to be singing the same old mediocre generic pop, except now there’s an added element of nostalgia to it all. Maybe they’ll even let Lee sing some lines.

All in all, I can’t say that they don’t make music like that anymore because they clearly do.

Oh and Lisa Scott Lee seems to have some weird face stuff going on now. Just saying.

Red Riding Hood 2

Further to my notes on “Red Riding Hood” yesterday, I’d also like to highlight the crushing disappointment of seeing Gary Oldman (my pick for this year’s BAFTA for Best Actor) stooping to such lows after the highs of “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” - in my mind one of the best films of the year. Hey, I guess everyone’s got to pay the mortgage.

Also, I find Amanda Seyfried kinda weird to look at. She has fish eyes.

Just Saying.

Bone Idol

Just a quick note about Winter’s Bone, which I realise is now somewhat redundant as I missed it both at the cinema and on DVD and caught it on Sky after everyone else had already told me numerous times how good it is.

I can confirm that it is exceptionally good.

If you haven’t seen it, check it out. It’s heavy, harrowing stuff, but totally worth it. Jennifer Lawrence is absolutely brilliant in this, and I can see why she got the role in X-Men First Class off of the back of this.

Definitely worth a watch, but not if you’re feeling fragile.

On a side note, if I ever meet Jennifer Lawrence I might offer to show her MY Winter’s Bone, partly for funsies and partly to see if she’d laugh or have me arrested.

Just Saying.

Where on Earth can she be?

Does anyone remember Carmen Sandiego, the thieving cartoon villainess from the late 80s and early 90s?


Don't know why she came into my head, but I hope they finally caught that crazy bitch.


Just saying.

An Unknown Quantity

WARNING: The following post contains spoilers for the film Unknown. If you are planning on watching this (to be fair not great) Liam Neeson vehicle, then stop reading now.

There are a number of problems with Unknown, not least of which is the fact that the marketing campaign behind it seemed to be selling it as another “Taken”, which unfortunately this is nowhere near as good as.

The central story revolves around Liam Neeson playing a botanist called Martin Harris who’s involved in a car accident whilst en route to a science convention in Germany. He wakes up in hospital after being in a coma for a few days, and tries to find his wife, however when he finally locates her at the conference she doesn’t recognise him. His initial confusion is compounded further when his “wife” introduces her husband – someone else claiming to be Martin Harris.

Determined to get to the bottom of what’s going on, he tracks down his unfeasibly hot taxi driver (Diane Kruger) who becomes his side-kick, to work out what happened to him. Then he suddenly becomes the target of several assassination attempts so needs to get to the bottom of what’s happened before he’s murdered…

Whilst not unentertaining, this is much more thriller than action – with a very limited amount of action scenes. Perhaps I would have enjoyed it more if I hadn’t expected an action film of the calibre of Taken, but I did, so I didn’t.

Liam Neeson portrays Harris (version 1.0) as mumbly/incredulous, and January Jones, playing his wife, isn’t in the film enough. Frank Langella is suitably creepy as Neeson’s colleague and Diane Kruger gives Neeson solid support, although it seems to me an unusual choice to cast Germany’s (arguably) most famous actress in a film set in Germany and have her playing a non-German character.

There’s a really good car chase in it (not quite up to Ronin standards) and due to the fact that Harris is a botanist, when he ends up cornered by trained assassins, the tension is palpable, as it’s evident he can’t successfully fight his way out. All of which would make for an entertaining watch. But there was one point that absolutely ruined the film for me, but I can’t explain what it is without being spoilertastic, so you have been warned.

The big reveal is that Neeson is actually a hitman himself, and Martin Harris was his cover identity. When he was involved in the accident, he remembered his cover identity as if it were real. The evil agency he worked for, thinking he’d disappeared, then dispatched another hitman to take the role of Martin Harris instead. Again, this would have been absolutely fine, and whilst not entirely original, would have made for an entertaining twist. But then, during the final battle with the new Martin Harris, Neeson receives a blow to the head which somehow undoes the damage from the previous accident. I’m no Doctor, but surely this doesn’t actually happen outside of eighties cartoons? Wouldn’t the blow to the head not have made his fragile brain even more confused? No, apparently it restores everything back to normality.

Again, I appreciate that there has to be an element of suspension of disbelief when you’re watching a film; but surely this doesn’t apply when you’re lifting plot devices straight from He-Man.

Just saying.

Despicable Minds

Rather than do long, sprawling reviews of Despicable Me and Megamind, for brevity's sake, they can both be summed up in the following sentence:

Despicable Me is not as good as Megamind, which is turn is no where near as good as The Incredibles.

Overall, both only OK.

Except for The Incredibles, which is brilliant and deserved a sequel WAY more than Cars did. Just saying.

A positive role model

Another drunken conversation had me being berated for saying that the Afroman song “Because I got high” had a positive message for kids. But, of course, I’m right.

Just listen to the lyric, Afroman lost his job, because he got high. He gambled away his house, because he got high. He lost his kids and wife, because he got high. He ended up paralysed in a wheelchair, because he got high. Hell, he even couldn’t finish writing his song, because he was high.

If that’s not a strong anti-drugs message telling kids about the potential pitfalls of drug abuse, I don’t know what is.

Just saying.