Forget yesterday

So kindly forget a lot of the goodwill that I gave Torchwood: Miracle Day yesterday. I've just watched the second episode when Jack gets poisoned and Gwen manages to mix up an antidote using bits on a plane. Now I'm all for suspension of disbelief but this was absolute bobbins. She didn't even measure out the ingredients.

Sigh.

It's a miracle (day)

To say I was dubious about the new "Americanised" version of Torchwood would be somewhat of an understatement. 


Now, I'm in a tiny sci-fi minority in so much as I quite enjoyed the Torchwood TV show, but have never really given a crap about Doctor Who. Don't ask me to explain why, it's just always left me cold. I think if I sat down and was able to watch it from the beginning I might change my mind, but we haven't reached that point yet, so I'm still firmly in the "Who gives a crap" camp (bad, bad pun, I know). 


And I think that my general apathy towards the good Doctor is why I liked Torchwood when so many Doctor Who fans don't - I don't see it as the poor cousin, I see it as the more grown up uncle who drinks and smokes and has sex. 


Not that the show was perfect by any stretch of the imagination - each series could have done with being a few episodes lighter, and most episodes could have lost a few minutes, but for all it's flaws it was for the most part entertaining and in it's own way ground breaking. What other show can boast a gay (or bi-sexual) action hero as the leading man? 


Plus, it's British, and at a time when I truly believe that the Americans are truly crushing us when it comes to creating good, high-concept adult science fiction, I want to support British shows like Torchwood and the (unfortunately ill-fated) Outcasts as best I can. And before you say it, Doctor Who is clearly popular enough without my support.


And so we have Miracle Day, when the everyone on Earth inexplicably stops dying. This time Captain Jack Harkness and Gwen Cooper (the only survivors of the original team), are joined by Mekhi Phifer and Bill Pullman, who I haven't seen since he was rousing US Troops in "Independence Day", which must have been about 15 years ago. Oh how the mighty fake US Presidents have fallen. There's also a pretty blonde CIA Analyst who at the first sign of trouble forgets all of her CIA training and runs around terrified. Oh, and who could forget Gwen's husband Rhys, who has somehow become even more annoying and petulant since the last series. This is highlighted when Gwen and Rhys learn of the fact that no-one on the planet is dying, do the maths and work out that the planet will be overrun in four months and the food will completely run out. Rhys then begins yelling at Gwen telling her not to get involved as someone else can sort it out. Now at this point, everyone thinks Jack has disappeared forever, and Torchwood no longer exists. They don't know of any Torchwood equivalents in other countries, so to the best of their knowledge GWEN IS THE ONLY PERSON ON THE FRICKING PLANET QUALIFIED TO INVESTIGATE THIS. But no, hiding away at your country retreat is a much less selfish option Rhys. Tit.


The American parts of the show don't quite mesh, leaving it feeling like someone has taken a half-an-hour episode of Torchwood and spliced in some bits of a bad episode of 24. Which is a shame because I think the central idea behind the series is probably the best one they've had for any Torchwood yet. The scene where Mekhi Phifer is trying to leave the hospital is unintentionally hilarious, as he ends up looking like Lee Evans from "There's Something About Mary". Entirely out-of-context from the rest of the episode.


But, I've only seen the first one so let's see how it develops. 

Trail and Error

So in the ongoing tradition of my Friday Haiku series (which is apparently popular with no-one but me), the theme this week is about the mysterious MH trailers that keep popping up everywhere:


A boot crashes down
Heroic developments
Mystery unfolds


I already shared a link to the first one last week, and here is the second one:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eA2JRrp4Qyc&hd=1


Interesting times...

Unprofessional Environment

So my office seems to be an increasingly geeky place to work, which can only be a good thing.


The white board by our printer has somehow become the place to post existential comments, which lately has evolved into complete geekdom, with a drawing of a Flux Capacitor (I'm convinced that's what it is), along with the comment "It's what makes time travel possible").


There are also random quotes from Adam and Joe, including "Why be Denny Different" and "Maybe you shouldn't be printing HERE!" - a direct riff on  Pierce Brosnan in "Taffin".


Maybe I've just got Graduation Goggles on (esoteric HIMYM reference), but all in all, if I end up leaving soon I think I'll be sad to go.

Totally worth recalling

So I posed a question to my friends the other night:


"When is it a good time to watch Total Recall?" 


The answer is, of course, "always"; which is why I was somewhat worried to hear of the impending remake with Colin Farrell. 


Let me start with saying that I like Colin Farrell, he was far and away the best thing about Daredevil (although let's face it, the bar was pretty low), and he has the ability to convince in both serious and comedic roles. However, whether he's ready to step into the iconic shoes (from here they appear to be tied but I will go in for a closer look) of Arnold Schwarzenegger is another matter entirely.


As with a lot of the reboots of older films, they are promising a more "serious" film, without the Arnie one-liners. Now, admittedly, I'm a fan of silly actioners chock-full of one-liners, as my whole-hearted defence of "Welcome to the Jungle" will attest to, but I worry that by losing the comedy, you lose what made the film such a cult favourite in the first place (although it might have been the chick with three boobs). And whilst Colin Farrell probably won't need to rely on the one liners in the same way that Arnie did to cover patchy acting, I still think that those kind of 80s/90s "fun" action films are something we're severely missing in today's cinematic landscape.


Of course, I'm open to giving it a chance and am happy to be proved wrong. I just think it's a real shame that an entire generation will grow up on this Total Recall and will miss Arnie shooting Sharon Stone in the head and proclaiming "consider that a divorce". 


Either way, once it's released, you can be sure that it will be time to "get your ass to Mars".  

There's something (cat)fishy going on

So "Catfish". The main question to ask yourself after seeing it seems to be "is it really a documentary"?

The story is certainly gripping and as you follow the group of documentary makers to meet the family that one of them has formed an unlikely Facebook friendship with. As you travel with them and their anticipation grows, so does the sense of impending doom. Can everything that happens be taken at face value, or is there something more sinister going on.

Once you do meet the family and realise what has happened, the result is incredibly uncomfortable, with you feeling both pity for the culprit yet at the same time somewhat incredulous that they would play with someone’s feeling the way they do. And I think that’s why there was such a furore over whether or not the documentary is real or staged.

It does feel a little too neat for a documentary. Ultimately though, be it a documentary or a mockumentary it’s an interesting (albeit strangely uncomfortable) watch, which leaves you with question resounding in your mind:

“Do you know who your Facebook friends are?”

Reaching new lows

Define laziness:


Drinking wine from a tumbler because my wine glasses won't go in the dishwasher and I just can not be arsed to do any washing up.


Yup, that's how I roll. I feel both proud of my ingenuity yet equally disgusted with myself. Oh well.

Swagger Jagger

Whilst I stand by my defence of “current” music a few weeks ago, every so often a song comes along that is so soul crushingly awful, it drains all goodwill that you hold towards the current generation of musicians.

And so we have “Swagger Jagger”, the first single from X-Factor “star” Cher Lloyd. And when I say X-Factor it’s the predictable and dull Simon Cowell sponsored “talent contest” and not the comic book about either the original X-men, the government sponsored mutant team or the mutant detective agency (depending on which decade you were reading X-Factor in).

So we have Cher Lloyd, looking like Cheryl Cole on crystal meth, “singing” along to the tune of “Oh my darling Clementine” – just like Huckleberry Hound. And believe me, you’d prefer to hear the blue Hanna-Barbera dog singing off-key rather than listen to this drivel. She makes Rebecca Black look like Alicia Keys.

Oh, and I’m aware of my over use of speech marks, but I think they’re legitimate in reference to her “singing”, her being a “star” and X-Factor being a “talent contest”.

I don’t like to throw the word around in jest, but after hearing this, I felt like my ears had been raped. 

Word of the week

After my Tween Wolf rant, it was suggested to me that as a culture we should make “Twilightification” an accepted everyday word in the English Language. So, before the Oxford English Dictionary next goes to print, submitted for your approval is my definition of Twilightification:

twi·lighti·fi·ca·tion /ˈtwīˌlīt/əfiˈkāSHən/ 

(noun)

1. The act of ruining an already established and well-loved idea by revamping it to include brooding teenagers with big hair and pouts
2. Purposely moulding something to include damp-squib heroines who are surrounded by attractive males in the hopes of finding an audience with pre-teen girls
3. Destroying popular horror concepts such as vampires by making them friendly, glittery and non-threatening   

I think we can all agree that this needs to be in the dictionary, so we have a true word for this menace that must be stopped before it destroys our society.

Paul’s Poem

Continuing with the theme of a Friday Haiku, here is my ode to my brother-from-another-mother, Paul, who’s visiting from Fife this weekend. The great thing about Paul is that if I hadn’t called him randomly for a catch up last week, I wouldn’t have known about the visit until he was on my doorstep. Love him.

The promise of fun

A visitor from Scotland

Countdown ‘til Paul’s down

Looks like the weekend is going to involve multiple trips to Essex (where Paul’s family live, not because he’s a big fan of TOWIE – in fact we don’t even know what that is) and even more overproof white rum...for Paul that is. After my alcohol analysis the other day, I’ll be sticking to the gin. 

Trailer blazing

So Monday saw the release of the new teaser trailer for “The Dark Knight Rises” followed by excitement at the few frames that show Tom Hardy as Bane. It’s not a bad trailer, but personally I would have rather seen a bit more from the new film and less clips from the previous two. That said the line “every journey has an end” did get me more than a little excited in anticipation of the conclusion to the Caped Crusader’s story.

Speaking of trailers, in order to combat the “rise” of Batman teasers (boom boom), Marvel have released the first full trailer for The Amazing Spiderman. I wasn't really a fan of rebooting the franchise so quickly after Spiderman 3 (which admittedly, wasn't any good), but as trailers go, it's actually pretty spectacular. Speaking of Marvel, I'm also guessing that they'll start teasing The Avengers pretty much as soon as Captain America’s cinema tenure begins to close. More than likely it’ll all tie in to the post credit sting of Cap… not long to wait now. I’m still predicting Stark or Fury thawing him out.  

And whilst all the talk this week seems to be revolving around the final instalment of Christopher Nolan’s Batman opus, another trailer has begun to do the rounds. Looking to replace a huge studio budget with originality, the mysterious MH trailer seems suggest something that might shake up the superhero landscape in a way that hasn’t been seen since Kick Ass. I’ll be watching eagerly for more on this project:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W10Td90t-Y8&hd=1

Sometimes just a little can whet the appetite for more…

Birthday aftermath

Having a week off of work to celebrate your birthday (and your wife’s much more important birthday) is great, however the combination of heavy drinking, junk food, late nights and lie-ins have left my sleep patterns all over the place. Which meant that at two o’clock this morning when I should have been sound asleep preparing for my return to work and the barrage of emails that surely awaited me, I was instead restlessly watching the green LCD glow of my bedside clock count down to my inevitable lethargic wake up call.

But of course, it had all been totally worth it. I had received a plethora of awesome presents, from a selection of DVDs including season one of “Archer” (my new favourite animated sitcom), to the multitude of awesome T-shirts which covered Kick Ass to Kobayshi Porcelain (you know I love an esoteric reference), my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Belt Buckle, a couple of Jasper Fforde books and Mario Kart to the DS. And not to forget my SHIELD travelcard case.

Whilst I would never play favourites with the gifts I received, special mention to the Star Wars Light Sabre wall light…as soon as I move, that’s going up; and the Marvel Encyclopaedia, which may just be the coolest comic related tome ever. I’ve spent the last three days explaining to Jane why it needs to be our coffee table book.

And importantly Jane had a lovely weekend, and liked the Tiffanies earrings I got her (they only cost me a kidney…luckily I still have another one). We saw lots of friends and family and managed to squeeze some chill time in as well. All in all, a pretty awesome couple of days.

Oh and I had just under 250 emails when I got in. Not bad for a week off. 

Quote of the day

"Happy Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend."


- Stephen King

The pants party

Saturday night involved an immense steak meal for my wife's 30th with a number of our nearest and dearest.


As part of the celebration I cracked out my Back to the Future pants, along with a jeans, waistcoat and tie combo that combined with my blonde spiky hair made me look like a guitarist with a nu-metal band. As my friend Jake had almost an identical outfit (sans the blonde spiky hair), we also looked like we'd stepped out of the same page of the Next catalogue.


I found out afterwards that someone else was also rocking the BttF pants. It was a girl, and I won't tell you who.


All in all my friends are pretty damn awesome.

Random Film Double

Bit of a random movie fest the other night with the missus, Rob and Emsy, consisting of "After.Life" and "Bad Lieutenant". Both of which I quite enjoyed.


I thought "After.Life" was going to be awful, we only really started watching as we wanted a bad movie to watch. It was a bit over the top but was an interesting idea and Liam Neeson does creepy well. I do have trouble with seeing Christina Ricci naked though, as in my head she's still Wednesday Addams. Overall better than expected but should've ended ten minutes before it did.


Speaking of Christina Ricci, I worked out why so many people are attracted to her...with her massive eyes and head that's slightly disproportionate to her body, she looks like a real life Manga character. Which I guess does it for some people.

"Bad Lieutenant" was as weird as I expected from a Werner Herzog film that stars Nic Cage, and is about twenty minutes longer than it needed to be, but was still entertaining. When it's dark, it's REALLY dark, and when it's not, it drags. But ultimately enjoyable, with the final act being laugh out loud funny at the way everything pans out do a character who doesn't really undergo any real character development.

Not a bad night in.

Hawaii Five Balls

So during my week off, I finished the first season of Hawaii Five O. As Season Finale’s go, it was quite a good one. The dissolution of the team, the seemingly air-tight case against McGarrett (still showing little-to-no emotion), Chen’s seeming heel turn, Kono’s impeding arrest and Dano’s life being relocated back to New York. It was a cliffhanger that left me eagerly awaiting the next season. And that’s quite an achievement, considering just how balls the show normally is.

Don’t get me wrong, I like a bit of bad TV. And what I like about Hawaii Five-O is that it knows it’s bad. But still, some of the storylines are ridiculous. The most ridiculous thing to my mind, is that this team of “super cops” took eight episodes to work out who was sending Steve objects from his father’s stolen tool box, yet still came up trumps against the Yakuza and organised drug dealers and gun runners.

Plus the guest stars are amazing. Mark Dacascos is now that “big bad” and it’s looking like the girl who used to play Alex Mack, in “The Secret World of Alex Mack” is joining the team, which is great as pre-teen Wez used to majorly fancy her. Now she’s all grown up, I kinda still do.

I think the epitome of just how ridiculous the show is came a few weeks ago, when Puff Daddy showed up as an undercover New York cop who was working for the FBI. In a botched assassination attempt, his wife and one of his FBI handlers are killed. Of course, the FBI should investigate, but oh no, Five-O have got jurisdiction (somehow). The icing on the cake was McGarrett telling the FBI: “we’ll find the murderers and solve this case”.

You can’t even solve the case of the missing toolbox.

Once more into the poetry breach

Not sure how long I can flog the dead haiku horse. Let's see.

Yesterday held joy
Today no celebration
My post birthday blues

I quite like doing these. It's like a weekly challenge.

Almost as fun as Sudoku.  

Making a drama out of a (quarter-life) crisis

So I turn 28 today.

In the past few weeks, in an effort to completely deny the fact that I’m aging, I’ve dyed my hair blonde and have started to listen to my fourteen-year-old niece’s “Swedish House Mafia” album. Objectively, I know these are all tell-tale signs that I’m worried that my youth is slipping through my (incredibly young) fingers, yet I can’t seem to stop myself.

Maybe it’s because I’m such a big kid at heart. Unlike sports, which it seems are activities that it is deemed social acceptable to continue to be obsessed about from birth to death; my interests range from comics to cartoons, neither of which are viewed as particularly “grown up”…outside of the geek community at least.

Or maybe it’s because, in my heart of hearts, my default age is always 23. Not sure why, but I always think of myself as being that age…possibly in large part due to the Blink182 song. But today I’m forced to come to terms with the fact that it’s been five years since I was actually that age. And that’s pretty depressing.

The true measure of my age is that I’m now older than Chandler and Ross were supposed to be in the first series of Friends. God it bums me out. Maybe some people won’t even get that reference anymore.

But before ennui completely sets in, I consider that I do have a lot going for me. I own a house (or at the very least am mortgaged up to my eyeballs in one…but eventually it will be mine), I’ve got awesome friends who’ve always got my back and a loving family. And I’m married to a wonderful woman who not only puts up with all my geeky foibles but actively encourages them. I’m pretty good at my job and whilst I’ve yet to see anything I’ve written published or produced (barring that text in The Metro), I’ve got a good feeling that I’ll get there. I mean ultimately, 28 isn’t that bad, is it? It’s way better than 29, or, god forbid, 30.

So maybe there’s not any reason to get depressed. With age comes experience, and with experience comes knowledge. And if knowledge is power then getting older just makes you more powerful (mentally at least, physically you’re screwed). People always say that forty is the new thirty and thirty is the new twenty, don’t’ they? And with medical science continuing to progress, I’ve still got miles to go (barring incident). On that note, the reference in the title of this post was originally going to be third-life crisis, but I thought that 84 might be selling myself too short. I’m sure with advancements in cloning technology and the future production of robot bodies, 112 isn’t too unrealistic.

So thinking about it, I’m actually pretty cool with turning 28. I hear it’s the new 23.

Tween Wolf

So I’ve now been ‘lucky’ enough to watch the pilot episode of the Teen Wolf reboot. You may remember that when I was bemoaning reboots a few weeks ago, I said I was particularly dubious about this one, but I was willing to give it a chance.

More fool me.

Someone has taken the 1985 classic that I loved from my childhood, and Stephanie Meyered it beyond all recognition. They play Lacrosse not Basketball, for crying out loud! When did Lacrosse stop being a middle-class girl’s game?

I’m not going to rant about it, I’m too despondent. If you’re thinking to yourself “It can’t be THAT bad”, imagine this:

Teen Wolf (1985) goes to a bar. It’s 26 years old now, and is comfortable drinking alone. I mean, it’s never had the success of “Back to the Future”, but as Michael J Fox vehicles go, it’s up there. So imagine it’s surprise when Twilight sidles over to it at the bar. At first, Teen Wolf scoffs at the bad poetry and broody looks that Twilight is sending it’s way, but before it knows what’s happening, Teen Wolf is brushing it’s hair behind it’s ears and beginning to think that Twilight is pretty deep. “Why don’t I let Twilight buy me a drink?” it thinks to itself, “What could be the harm?”

One Rohypnol Margarita later, and Twilight is leading a groggy Teen Wolf back to it’s van. Teen Wolf doesn’t like where this is going, but is too out of it to argue. Before Teen Wolf knows what’s happening, it’s being led into Twilight’s house, and down into Twilight’s basement. Before Teen Wolf blacks out, it sees chains on the wall...this place has been turned in to some kind of dungeon.

Fast-forward nine months. Word can’t express the depravity that Teen Wolf has suffered at the hands of Twilight. At first, Teen Wolf had cried itself to sleep, wishing that this was all a bad dream, hoping that the team from “Criminal Minds” would swoop in at some point to rescue it from this hell. But it never happened. Instead, through the months of abuse, Teen Wolf develops Stockholm Syndrome and begins to think that Twilight really loves it. “Twilight is only doing what’s best for me.” “Twilight really loves me.” “I’m pregnant with Twilight’s baby, and we’ll raise it together.”

Until Twilight doesn’t need the chains anymore. Teen Wolf is so compliant, so brainwashed, that it’ll do anything Twilight says. And that’s when Teen Wolf gives birth to the bastard child of this unholy union. And Twilight says, “let’s raise the baby my way”. A part of Teen Wolf wants to argue. A part of Teen Wolf knows this is wrong. But that part of Teen Wolf can’t find the strength to speak up. But Twilight is clever and knows that part of Teen Wolf is still there, so in order to get it’s own way, Twilight suggests a compromise...

“We’ll raise the baby my way, but we’ll let it keep your name.”

Wow, that got a little darker than I intended. But, you know, you can’t hide from the truth.

Alcohol is my Kryptonite

After several booze filled evenings, I’ve come to the conclusion that alcohol is my Kryptonite. And much like the Superman mythology surrounding different forms of Kryptonite, different types of alcohol have different effects on me.

We all know that Green K leaves Superman hurting like he's caught his "man of steel" in his zipper. For those of you that watch Smallville (using that mythology for the basis of this post), you’ll know that Red Kryptonite makes him act like a bit of an arse, Blue takes away his powers and Black makes him paranoid. Likewise, I find that different forms of alcohol affect me in different ways.

Beer, which now tends to be my drink of choice, makes me louder and greatly increases my own opinion of myself (usually with results that are detrimental to my long-term self-image). This is when I think I look awesome in aviators and a straw hat, proclaiming it to be my “new look”. This is when I decide everyone wants to hear my full rendition of Sir Mix-a-lot’s “Baby Got Back”, even when someone else is singing. This is when I decide that everyone finds me charming and my jokes hilarious. “Why are these women all hitting on me?” I ponder to myself as I face what in reality is apathy. “Don’t they know I’m married?”

This type of reaction is, I’m sure (or I hope) quite common with alcohol. Although it’s only really beer, or a mixture of beer and spirits, that brings it out of me. Other alcohol has different effects.

Vodka, which was always my default drink at Uni, makes me annoyingly affectionate. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of one of my “big love” hugs will attest to this. When Vodka Wez is in town no-one is safe from my amazing hugging powers, when I will wrap my arms around you and tell you I love you, until it just gets awkward (for you anyway, I’m too drunk to notice).

Wine on the other hand just makes me giggly. Like a little school girl, I’ll find your every word hilarious, and think that a fart joke is the height of witty banter. Conversely Whisky (which I now avoid at all costs) makes me mean and spiteful. I hate Whisky Wez, which is why I keep him locked away. Finally Gin seems to be the drink that affects me in the best way, as it leaves me relatively clear-headed and not acting like too much of a dick…well no more so than usual anyway.

I’ve yet to find the alcohol that enhances my powers, but much like Lex Luthor, I’ll keep hunting for different types of Kryptonite until I find it. After all, I owe it to myself to keep trying.

Beer Wez is convinced this look will catch on. Sober Wez doubts it.

A "Rapid" Comedy (boom-boom)

Maybe it was just because “Dinner with Schmucks” had substantially lowered the comedy bar, but I really enjoyed “Cedar Rapids”. It’s a real indie comedy, but then I enjoy stuff like “Napoleon Dynamite” and “Adventureland”, so it’s right up my street.

I think Ed Helms is a great comic actor and the roles he plays, from “The Hangover” to “The US Office”, are always versatile. Unlike watching some comedians, where you always see the ‘actor’ (see Vince Vaughn), when you watch Helms you always believe in his character.

John C Reilly is consistent as always, this time playing a more grown up (yet equally immature) variation of his character from “Step Brothers”. And my favourite in joke is Isiah Whitlock Jr’s character constantly referencing “The HBO series The Wire”, in which he had played the character of Clay Davis.

There were some good supporting performances from the always entertaining Stephen Root and the legendary Sigourney Weaver. It was also good to see Alia Shawkat or “Arrested Development” fame again, as I can’t stress enough how much that series was pure comedy gold that should never have been cancelled.

All-in-all, an enjoyable indie romp. Way better than “Dinner with Schmucks”.

So I guess I’m the schmuck

For my sins I watched “Dinner with Schmucks” the other night. I like Paul Rudd and I like Steve Carell so I thought it would be a safe bet that I’d enjoy this.

Boy, was I wrong.

A woefully misjudged, nasty, and all round unfunny attempt at a comedy. Interestingly enough, the best things about it were Lucy Punch, who I was cracking up in my “Bad Teacher” review – turns out she is both still hot and still funny as a blonde, it wasn’t just the red hair; and Chris O’Dowd, who seems to be breaking Hollywood with a vengeance. Good to see the Brits still representing.

But ultimately, too long, not funny and pretty uncomfortable (and not in a good way). Avoid.

Ice to see you

Thursday night involved going out for the work, end-of-year do. Our company works on a somewhat unusual financial year that runs from July to June, so for us this is our “well done for all the hard work over the last year”.

I was quite excited about the venue for the celebrations, if only because it was being held at The Ice Bar off of

Regent Street

, which is somewhere I’ve always wanted to go (largely as the Ice Hotel was far and away the best thing about “Die Another Day”).

So at about ten to six on Thursday night, I was put in a ridiculous blue hooded cape and ushered through an airlock into the artic temperatures of The Ice Bar. And I can confirm that it’s great fun…for the first ten minutes. After that, the cold really begins to seep into your bones and it becomes a mild form of torture.

Within twenty minutes, our group of twelve had dwindled. By twenty-five minutes, there were just three of us left.

It was 6:15 and I was determined to stay until the end. At this point it was a battle of wills. It was man against nature (albeit artificial and man-made), and I was determined not to quit. I began dancing to the annoyingly repetitive music in an effort to keep warm. At least I’d been in here another ten minutes by this point. I looked at my watch.

6:16.

Are you kidding?! Only one minute had passed?! One measly minute!

It felt like much longer. Maybe the cold was slowing down my circulation. My pulse was thinning. Maybe I was dying and my mind was making time stretch out in order to prolong my consciousness. “No”, I muttered quietly to myself, much to the confusion of the other two, “it can’t be that cold”. I continued the weird frantic dance I was performing in the hopes it would bring warmth to my bones, which were now chilled to their marrow. Whilst dancing I talked with my two remaining compatriots for a good half an hour. Surely it must be time to go now?

6:17.

It’s not time to go, and don’t call me Shirley. At this point all incredulity had left my head. Maybe I had lost higher brain functions. I was shivering involuntarily and I’d lost all feeling in my fingers and toes.

6:18.

Awesome. I kept drinking in the hopes the alcohol would warm my system, but each time I put the frozen ice glass to my lips my whole body would shake.

6:19.

By this point I was expecting to see Death appear in front of me, holding a frozen hourglass that had nearly ran out of sand. The sub-zero temperature was turning the saliva in my mouth into icicles. This really was the end.

And then, finally, it was over. I was back through the airlock and into the relative warmth of the (non glacial) bar. I was still shivering fifteen minutes later when I was on my second G&T.

OK, so I may have taken some liberties with the truth of just how cold it got, and ultimately I’m glad for the experience. By the end I genuinely felt like I’d been on an episode of the Japanese game show “Endurance”. And when it comes right down to it, I stayed until the end.

Take that, nature.    

"It’s Uncle Christmas, Santa’s evil twin. He’s the mastermind behind all the Workplace Harassment directed at Rudolph, and has recently been found guilty of hacking people’s voicemails to decide whether or not they should go on the “naughty” list."

Poetry Time

In keeping with my Friday Haiku’s – here’s one commemorating the most important day of the year (my birthday), which is on Thursday.

Holiday next week
Birthday, time to celebrate
A ten day weekend

I’m getting rather good at these...

The worst comic book movie ever?

The terms “worst movie ever” and “the most awful thing I’ve seen” are thrown around a lot nowadays, often just as a figurative explanation of something you really didn’t enjoy. They’re hardly ever used literally.

Then comes along Jonah Hex, which may literally be the worst comic book movie I’ve ever seen. I judge it so harshly because it clearly had a massive budget and some genuine star power. I mean, Elektra was awful, but it only really had Jennifer Garner and some dude from ER headlining. This had John Malkovich and Josh Brolin in it for crying out loud! Megan Fox (who seems to be a megastar somehow) is in it too, as is Will Arnett, who I genuinely think is one of the funniest people in Hollywood at the moment – God only knows why he took a straight role in this...maybe he was a fan of the comics? Here’s hoping he now makes an Arrested Development movie now as penance.

The plot is pointless and the explosive action set-pieces are just boring. Thankfully it’s not even 90 minutes, but it’s still time from my life that I’m never going to get back.

Why on Earth DC thought this was a better choice for a film adaptation than The Flash, Wonder Woman or Green Arrow is beyond me. Even Aquaman would’ve been preferable.

And as we all know, Aquaman sucks.

The evil that beards do

I recently part-shaved my beard, leaving me with just a goatee. It’s weird because most of the time I have a beard, and on the occasions that I shave it off, I’ll see myself in the mirror and think “Oh right, that’s what I actually look like.” More often than not, I’ll also think “Must lose some weight and that extra chin I’m carrying.”

But the goatee is disconcerting. Maybe it’s because I was brought up on a strict diet of sci-fi, but when I see my reflection in the mirror, my gut reaction is always: “It’s evil me from the mirror universe”. Star Trek, anyone?

So in my head, Goatee Wez is the Wez where George Bailey was never born and Buffy Summers never came to Sunnydale. It’s the Wez from the Demons ship in the “Angels and Demons” episode of Red Dwarf. It’s the Wez from the Age of Apocalypse. It's the Wez where Richard Nixon is still President.

That’s just how my mind works, sad but true.

Earth’s Mightiest Cartoon

I mentioned yesterday that I had been finishing up the first series of “Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes”. And what a season finale it was. After “X-men Evolution”, the rebooted “Spiderman” cartoon and the “Fantastic Four” I had all but given up on the animated Marvel stuff…none of it was reaching the glory days of the nineties when we had the excellent “X-Men” and the spectacular “Spiderman” running at the same time. See, alliteration can be our friend.

Especially as DC then took the ball and ran with it, bringing out (arguable) one of the best animated series ever in “Batman”, followed up by “Justice League”/“Justice League Unlimited”, which until they ceased production I used to hold up as an example to anyone who said they weren’t making decent cartoons anymore. Then DC split into two different avenues of cartoon production. On one hand they were making the extremely child friendly “Batman: Brave and the Bold” and on the other they were created feature length animated movies that were entirely aimed at the adult market. Most of which are brilliant, especially “Batman: Under the Red Hood” and the two Superman/Batman movies.

So Marvel was left to try and fill the gap in the market for an ongoing cartoon series that wasn’t aimed squarely at five-year-olds. In my opinion the first real foray into this was the wholly underrated “Wolverine and the X-men”, which was cancelled after one series (disappointingly, it was just when they’d gotten to the Age of Apocalypse).

So I was somewhat apprehensive about “Avengers; Earth’s Mightiest Heroes”, partly because I was always more of a fan of the X-men than the Avengers, and also because it seemed like it was just another merchandising opportunity for Marvel to cash in on the wave of Iron Man, Thor and Captain America fever that they were hoping would sweep the globe. So colour me pleasantly surprised when I found out what a hidden gem this series was.

Firstly, it takes it’s time. This is a much overlooked and undervalued concept in television, especially cartoons. It really felt like the whole series had been plotted before they starting making it, and was all the better for it. The first five episodes (re)introduce the acquainted and unacquainted viewers to characters which they may or may not be aware of (bearing in mind that at the time of first transmission neither the Thor or Cap movies had hit cinemas). Characters like Ant Man, Wasp, Hawkeye and Black Panther were all given at least half an episode to establish them as heroes individually, before Thor, Ant Man, Wasp, Iron Man and Hulk formed the first iteration of the team in episode 6/7. Hulk leaves in episode 8, Cap gets thawed out in 9 and it’s not until the end of episode 13 that we first see the full team together, and that’s halfway through the series. And it’s not just the heroes. They set Loki up in episode 2 and throughout the series progress his machinations before he ends up being the big bad at the end of the season. Most members of “The Masters of Evil” get a whole origin episode, and Kang the Conqueror’s vendetta with Cap is set up from the very beginning. You really feel if shows like “The Event” and “Flashforward” had been plotted this tightly, they wouldn’t have been cancelled.

Secondly, the character development is great – a lot better than you’d expect from a superhero cartoon. Hulk can’t function as part of the team as he thinks they don’t trust him, Ant Man is a pacifist who doesn’t want to solve problems with violence, Hawkeye is in love with Black Widow and conflicted about her betrayal and Iron Man is trying his best to lead the team despite it being obvious to everyone (especially himself) that Captain America would be a better leader. The villains are well drawn too (some of them anyway). Wonder is conflicted by the fact he has to do evil in order to stay alive, and Ultron’s character evolves until he is in full-on, destroy the planet mode.

Finally, it’s just a bit more mature. Characters get killed (more often than not it’s off screen, but it does happen); with Black Panther’s father a prime example. The stories are action packed enough for children to enjoy on a superficial “look at Hulk smash” level, with enough ongoing story arcs and set ups for future episodes to keep more grown up viewers entertained. They’ve already set up stories for season two, which I really hope they make. Look forward to a Skrull invasion and finding out what happened to Bucky...

All in all, a great series that has really redeemed Marvel in the animated stakes. I can’t recommend it enough - it’s a really strong series.

But then, Hulk is strongest there is...

The rock and roll lifestyle

The other night I found myself at home alone. Jane had gone out to a restaurant before going to see a gig at the o2. I was sitting at home in my Spiderman lounge pants watching the three-episode season finale of “Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes”. Who can say who leads a more exciting and cosmopolitan life?

Pretty sure it’s me though.

How to not win at quizzes

Went to a pub quiz earlier in the week, which I didn’t win. My team came third out of eight, which is fairly respectable, or so I’m told.

I think the problem was largely that there were too many questions about sport and soap operas, and not enough about The X-men, Stephen King or the films of George Lucas. They didn’t even mention The Princess Bride once.

Who says my knowledge is too esoteric?

Getting Sourcey

Movie double the other night, consisting of the wholly brilliant Source Code and the wholly not great Gulliver’s Travels.

Source Code is high concept science fiction (which I’m a fan of, in case I haven’t mentioned it before) and is a thoroughly entertaining watch. Jake Gyllenhaal gives his best performance since Donnie Darko and Vera Farmiga is excellent providing the moral heart of the film. 

The intriguing story sets up two separate but equally compelling mysteries at the same time: who’s responsible for the attack on the train, and what’s really going on with Jake Gyllenhaal’s character back in the present. The whole thing plays out like a incredibly dark episode of Quantum Leap (yet somehow it still works). I won’t spoil the plot any more than I already have, but needless to say it’s definitely worth a watch.

It’s Duncan Jones’ second film, following on from the outstanding Moon (it’s a crime that more people haven’t seen that film). If he continues on in this vein then you can expect big things from Bowie Jnr in the future, as long as he avoids remaking Labyrinth with his dad.

Then there was Gulliver’s Travels which wasn’t very good, except for the always entertaining Jason Segal (with an unfortunate British accent) and a stand-out performance from Chris O’Dowd, of IT Crowd fame. Considering he’s mostly sharing the screen with Billy Connolly and Jack Black, it’s a testament to his comic timing that he steals every scene he’s in. No wonder he’s making waves in Hollywood now.

Poetry time

Thought I’d continue with the running theme of Haiku’s, especially as I should be having an exciting day tomorrow:

The weekend is here

What promise tomorrow holds

A glorious day


I'm a poet and I didn't know it. Except that I kinda knew.