Hawaii Five Balls

So during my week off, I finished the first season of Hawaii Five O. As Season Finale’s go, it was quite a good one. The dissolution of the team, the seemingly air-tight case against McGarrett (still showing little-to-no emotion), Chen’s seeming heel turn, Kono’s impeding arrest and Dano’s life being relocated back to New York. It was a cliffhanger that left me eagerly awaiting the next season. And that’s quite an achievement, considering just how balls the show normally is.

Don’t get me wrong, I like a bit of bad TV. And what I like about Hawaii Five-O is that it knows it’s bad. But still, some of the storylines are ridiculous. The most ridiculous thing to my mind, is that this team of “super cops” took eight episodes to work out who was sending Steve objects from his father’s stolen tool box, yet still came up trumps against the Yakuza and organised drug dealers and gun runners.

Plus the guest stars are amazing. Mark Dacascos is now that “big bad” and it’s looking like the girl who used to play Alex Mack, in “The Secret World of Alex Mack” is joining the team, which is great as pre-teen Wez used to majorly fancy her. Now she’s all grown up, I kinda still do.

I think the epitome of just how ridiculous the show is came a few weeks ago, when Puff Daddy showed up as an undercover New York cop who was working for the FBI. In a botched assassination attempt, his wife and one of his FBI handlers are killed. Of course, the FBI should investigate, but oh no, Five-O have got jurisdiction (somehow). The icing on the cake was McGarrett telling the FBI: “we’ll find the murderers and solve this case”.

You can’t even solve the case of the missing toolbox.

The Citizen Kane of bad movies

After several months of cajoling from friends, I finally sat down to watch "The Room" at the weekend.

Now I love a bad movie more than most, almost as much as a good one. Watching a bad movie with friends is a much more social activity than watching something that you're actually interested in. When you care about what you're watching you don't want people interrupting you or asking you questions or making jokes. When you're watching a bad movie, that's all part of the experience. That's why my DVD collection features a smattering of Godfrey Ho, washed down with a big dollop of Mark Dacascos.

Knowing my fondness for watching absolute crap with my friends, a colleague at work had recommended that I bring "The Room" to the proverbial table for our next Shite Movie Saturday. After it was described to me as the "Citizen Kane" of bad movies, the bar was already set pretty high.

And "The Room" did not disappoint.

A wonderful hybrid of horrible acting, bad dubbing, unnecessary sex scenes, ridiculous writing and hideous direction, this film failed on all levels. And I loved it for it.

Even greater was the startling amount of needless plot points that were raised once and then never revisited:

- What happened with Lisa's uncle trying to take the Mum's house?

- What happened with Denny's drug addiction?

- Does Chris R (somewhat of a pointless last initial there) still want Denny dead?

- What was happening with the Mum's breast cancer?

- Who's the dude that only shows up in the last ten minutes yet seems to be everyone's best friend?
- Why are they playing football in tuxes?
- Why did Wiseau give himself two production credits?

The dialogue was laughable, and yet instantly quotable - "Oh hai Mark" will surely be my new stock greeting. "As far as I'm concerned, you can just drop off the face of the earth. And that's a promise" was my personal favourite. I'm sure the more a rewatch this misjudged masterpiece, the more lines I'll add to my repertoire.

All in all, I can't recommend the film that Tommy Wiseau wrote, produced, executive produced (I wasn't kidding), directed and starred in enough. By the end, I genuinely couldn't tell if he was pulling my leg, or if he just has more money than sense.

Either way, it's one to watch with a big group of friends and an even bigger stash of alcohol.

Just make sure you don't end up in a hospital on Guerrero Street. That'll make sense later.