Tween Wolf

So I’ve now been ‘lucky’ enough to watch the pilot episode of the Teen Wolf reboot. You may remember that when I was bemoaning reboots a few weeks ago, I said I was particularly dubious about this one, but I was willing to give it a chance.

More fool me.

Someone has taken the 1985 classic that I loved from my childhood, and Stephanie Meyered it beyond all recognition. They play Lacrosse not Basketball, for crying out loud! When did Lacrosse stop being a middle-class girl’s game?

I’m not going to rant about it, I’m too despondent. If you’re thinking to yourself “It can’t be THAT bad”, imagine this:

Teen Wolf (1985) goes to a bar. It’s 26 years old now, and is comfortable drinking alone. I mean, it’s never had the success of “Back to the Future”, but as Michael J Fox vehicles go, it’s up there. So imagine it’s surprise when Twilight sidles over to it at the bar. At first, Teen Wolf scoffs at the bad poetry and broody looks that Twilight is sending it’s way, but before it knows what’s happening, Teen Wolf is brushing it’s hair behind it’s ears and beginning to think that Twilight is pretty deep. “Why don’t I let Twilight buy me a drink?” it thinks to itself, “What could be the harm?”

One Rohypnol Margarita later, and Twilight is leading a groggy Teen Wolf back to it’s van. Teen Wolf doesn’t like where this is going, but is too out of it to argue. Before Teen Wolf knows what’s happening, it’s being led into Twilight’s house, and down into Twilight’s basement. Before Teen Wolf blacks out, it sees chains on the wall...this place has been turned in to some kind of dungeon.

Fast-forward nine months. Word can’t express the depravity that Teen Wolf has suffered at the hands of Twilight. At first, Teen Wolf had cried itself to sleep, wishing that this was all a bad dream, hoping that the team from “Criminal Minds” would swoop in at some point to rescue it from this hell. But it never happened. Instead, through the months of abuse, Teen Wolf develops Stockholm Syndrome and begins to think that Twilight really loves it. “Twilight is only doing what’s best for me.” “Twilight really loves me.” “I’m pregnant with Twilight’s baby, and we’ll raise it together.”

Until Twilight doesn’t need the chains anymore. Teen Wolf is so compliant, so brainwashed, that it’ll do anything Twilight says. And that’s when Teen Wolf gives birth to the bastard child of this unholy union. And Twilight says, “let’s raise the baby my way”. A part of Teen Wolf wants to argue. A part of Teen Wolf knows this is wrong. But that part of Teen Wolf can’t find the strength to speak up. But Twilight is clever and knows that part of Teen Wolf is still there, so in order to get it’s own way, Twilight suggests a compromise...

“We’ll raise the baby my way, but we’ll let it keep your name.”

Wow, that got a little darker than I intended. But, you know, you can’t hide from the truth.