After several booze filled evenings, I’ve come to the conclusion that alcohol is my Kryptonite. And much like the Superman mythology surrounding different forms of Kryptonite, different types of alcohol have different effects on me.
We all know that Green K leaves Superman hurting like he's caught his "man of steel" in his zipper. For those of you that watch Smallville (using that mythology for the basis of this post), you’ll know that Red Kryptonite makes him act like a bit of an arse, Blue takes away his powers and Black makes him paranoid. Likewise, I find that different forms of alcohol affect me in different ways.
Beer, which now tends to be my drink of choice, makes me louder and greatly increases my own opinion of myself (usually with results that are detrimental to my long-term self-image). This is when I think I look awesome in aviators and a straw hat, proclaiming it to be my “new look”. This is when I decide everyone wants to hear my full rendition of Sir Mix-a-lot’s “Baby Got Back”, even when someone else is singing. This is when I decide that everyone finds me charming and my jokes hilarious. “Why are these women all hitting on me?” I ponder to myself as I face what in reality is apathy. “Don’t they know I’m married?”
This type of reaction is, I’m sure (or I hope) quite common with alcohol. Although it’s only really beer, or a mixture of beer and spirits, that brings it out of me. Other alcohol has different effects.
Vodka, which was always my default drink at Uni, makes me annoyingly affectionate. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of one of my “big love” hugs will attest to this. When Vodka Wez is in town no-one is safe from my amazing hugging powers, when I will wrap my arms around you and tell you I love you, until it just gets awkward (for you anyway, I’m too drunk to notice).
Wine on the other hand just makes me giggly. Like a little school girl, I’ll find your every word hilarious, and think that a fart joke is the height of witty banter. Conversely Whisky (which I now avoid at all costs) makes me mean and spiteful. I hate Whisky Wez, which is why I keep him locked away. Finally Gin seems to be the drink that affects me in the best way, as it leaves me relatively clear-headed and not acting like too much of a dick…well no more so than usual anyway.
I’ve yet to find the alcohol that enhances my powers, but much like Lex Luthor, I’ll keep hunting for different types of Kryptonite until I find it. After all, I owe it to myself to keep trying.
Beer Wez is convinced this look will catch on. Sober Wez doubts it.
