Fear and Loathing in Canterbury

So tonight is my first official night out with my new work colleagues. I've been told heavy drinking is on the menu.


Here's hoping I don't do anything to embarrass myself too much. I would guess a lot of it would depend on the type of alcohol I'm drinking. As I've said before, different drinks have very different effects on me.


Fingers crossed I'll still have a job tomorrow...

Whodunnit

I spent Saturday night getting drunk a taking part in a murder mystery game. It was great fun, party because 7/8ths of us were drunk and partly because everyone got into the spirit of the game.

My character was a suave, debonair businessman, but as it was set in the 1900s I shaved my beard off and gave myself a tiny pencil moustache.

I also used enough hair gel that the next morning it was still in place. It was like a motorcycle helmet.

I also learnt that a French accent and a Belgian accent aren't the same thing. And regardless, I can't do either anyway.

Photo below of me looking suave (or at least, that's what I kept telling myself).

It's like James Bond.........'s overweight, less attractive waiter.

A festivus for the rest of us

So Saturday was spent enjoying the delights of the Denbigh Beer Festival. This largely involved arriving at 1pm, being hammered by 4pm, leaving at 8pm and being in bed asleep by 10pm. Who says I don’t live a rock and roll lifestyle?

Other than the copious amounts of alcohol I consumed (to the point when me, my sister-in-law, my sister-in-law-in-law, and one of my best friends were doing a full rendition of “Delilah”. Unfortunately there is video of this somewhere) the highlight was tearing apart the ridiculous adverts in the Beer Festival programme. Call it professional pride, but some of these adverts were so poor it made the “marketing” part of my brain melt. Some of them didn’t even have contact details on them! Hideous.

So ultimately, this weekend I learnt that I can’t switch my work brain off, even when it’s pickled in alcohol.

That’s right, I reached the point in the evening where I thought
it appropriate to throw up some “gang” signs.

Reaching new lows

Define laziness:


Drinking wine from a tumbler because my wine glasses won't go in the dishwasher and I just can not be arsed to do any washing up.


Yup, that's how I roll. I feel both proud of my ingenuity yet equally disgusted with myself. Oh well.

Alcohol is my Kryptonite

After several booze filled evenings, I’ve come to the conclusion that alcohol is my Kryptonite. And much like the Superman mythology surrounding different forms of Kryptonite, different types of alcohol have different effects on me.

We all know that Green K leaves Superman hurting like he's caught his "man of steel" in his zipper. For those of you that watch Smallville (using that mythology for the basis of this post), you’ll know that Red Kryptonite makes him act like a bit of an arse, Blue takes away his powers and Black makes him paranoid. Likewise, I find that different forms of alcohol affect me in different ways.

Beer, which now tends to be my drink of choice, makes me louder and greatly increases my own opinion of myself (usually with results that are detrimental to my long-term self-image). This is when I think I look awesome in aviators and a straw hat, proclaiming it to be my “new look”. This is when I decide everyone wants to hear my full rendition of Sir Mix-a-lot’s “Baby Got Back”, even when someone else is singing. This is when I decide that everyone finds me charming and my jokes hilarious. “Why are these women all hitting on me?” I ponder to myself as I face what in reality is apathy. “Don’t they know I’m married?”

This type of reaction is, I’m sure (or I hope) quite common with alcohol. Although it’s only really beer, or a mixture of beer and spirits, that brings it out of me. Other alcohol has different effects.

Vodka, which was always my default drink at Uni, makes me annoyingly affectionate. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of one of my “big love” hugs will attest to this. When Vodka Wez is in town no-one is safe from my amazing hugging powers, when I will wrap my arms around you and tell you I love you, until it just gets awkward (for you anyway, I’m too drunk to notice).

Wine on the other hand just makes me giggly. Like a little school girl, I’ll find your every word hilarious, and think that a fart joke is the height of witty banter. Conversely Whisky (which I now avoid at all costs) makes me mean and spiteful. I hate Whisky Wez, which is why I keep him locked away. Finally Gin seems to be the drink that affects me in the best way, as it leaves me relatively clear-headed and not acting like too much of a dick…well no more so than usual anyway.

I’ve yet to find the alcohol that enhances my powers, but much like Lex Luthor, I’ll keep hunting for different types of Kryptonite until I find it. After all, I owe it to myself to keep trying.

Beer Wez is convinced this look will catch on. Sober Wez doubts it.